No More Smalling Up Of Me

No more meekly saying 'yes'
When my heart is screaming 'no'
No more taming of my feelings
So my power won't show
No more hiding my exuberance
From disapproving eyes
No more watering down myself
So my spirit won't rise

No more 'smalling up' of me
Pretending I am not here
No more running from the music
And the spotlight's glare
No more living in this prison
Barricaded by my fears
No more turning and retreating
In the face of new frontiers

Even as I am speaking
I am taking shape and form
Harnessing my powers
Like a gathering storm
There's no obstacle so bold
As to dare stand in my way
I am taking back my life
And I am doing it today.
  
 Jean Wilson

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Jeremiah 29:11

Maybe I Never Will Be

I'm not very good
At this Game called Life
For I've not learned to see children crying
Without feeling pain
For I've not learned to watch animals destroyed
Without wondering why
For I've not yet met a king or a celebrity
That I would bow down to
Or a man so insignificant
That I would use for a stepping-stone
For I've not learned to be a 'yes man'
To narrow minded bosses
Who quote rules without reason
And I've not learned to manipulate
The feelings of others
To be used for my own advantages
Then cast aside as I see fit
No, I'm not very good
At this Game called Life
And if everything goes well
Maybe I never will be

Javan

© 1984, from Javan's book 'Something To Someone'

It Isn't Hard to Make a Mountain Out of a Molehill.

Susan was deeply disappointed at the lack of emotional closeness she felt in her marriage.  She began to lash out at her husband.  He, of course, reacted with this own defensive anger.  Over time their anger grew, threats were exchanged, and eventually divorce became part of their confrontations.  Finally, Susan's husband moved out and she filed for divorce.

The divorce proceedings were bitter.  They fought all the way through it.  When they met to sign the final papers, they stopped to look at each other and Susan saw in his eyes the very feelings she was experiencing--a feeling of longing and yet of resignation.  She thought, I don't want to divorce him, and I don't think he wants to divorce me.

She voiced her thoughts to her husband, and for a moment it appeared he might also soften and admit he, too, still cared.  But then he said in a dull monotone, "We've come this far.  I guess we should finish it."  Susan left the courtroom realizing she had never really wanted a divorce.  She just wanted her husband to listen.

Don't allow anger to lead you anywhere...but especially down a road you truly don't want to travel.

Starting a quarrel is like breaching a dam; so drop the matter before a dispute breaks out.

Proverbs 17:14



Are You For or Against?

It seems that we live in a world, today, of division.  Who is for this __________?  (You fill in the blank with an issue, a product, an idea, or even a thought).  Who is against this_______________?  We were all created with a mind of our own, much to the chagrin of our parents and grandparents.  We learned very early in our lives that we could use that mind to determine our own path, our own ideas.  We didn't have to think the same as our brother or sister.  We didn't even have to think the same as our friends, although it could make for some interesting conversations when you shared those differing opinions.

Here is my question...is it better to be for something or against something?  I've been doing some thinking about this lately because it seems we have become a culture of anti.  We've got anti-drug campaigns, anti-smoking campaigns, anti-war campaigns.  You name it, there's probably a group of anti-something toward it somewhere.  I'm not saying being anti is a bad thing.  I'm certainly anti anything that is harmful to ourselves or our world.  But therein lies the problem.  What I think is harmful, someone else may believe is helpful.  And then we're back to those pro versus con issues again.

Mother Teresa was asked one time if she would join an anti-war rally.  This was her reply:  "I was once asked why I don't participate in anti-war demonstrations. I said that I will never do that, but as soon as you have a pro-peace rally, I'll be there."  I'd never thought about that before.  Maybe it's all in how or what you focus on. 

We can choose to be against something, or we can choose to be for something else.  Mother Teresa wasn't against war, she was for peace.  There will be those that claim this is the same thing, but I think I would have to disagree.  Being against anything is a feeling of negativity.  To be negative is the opposite of being positive.  Mother Teresa was saying she chose to attack things from the positive end of the spectrum instead of the negative.  This thinking required a great deal of contemplation on my part. 

I had always been...anti-drugs, anti-smoking, anti-war.  But where have all of the anti-anythings gotten us?  In all of the years since the anti-campaigns began, have we made much progress?  We have a lot more campaigns against a lot more things, but do they work?

I wonder if we took a different approach, an approach that may be less publicized but may be more effective, if we would begin to see the changes we've all been 'fighting' for, for so long.  What would happen if we started being for things instead of against other things?  Instead of being anti-war, we followed Mother Teresa's advice and became for peace.  Instead of being anti-drugs, we became for sobriety.  Instead of being anti-smoking, we changed our focus to being for clean air.

Would it make a difference?  Some will see this shift as pointless.  It would appear, on the surface, that we are all aiming for the same goal, but I would question that.  You see, when you fight against anything, you are sending negative emotions and feelings to that goal.  These negative emotions produce all kinds of bad things because when you focus on the negative, your body takes those signals and channels those into all of your energies.  You become what you focus on, so if you're focusing on opposition and fighting, you'll get more opposition and fighting.  Even if you're fighting for something, it's still fighting.  It's still war.

If you focus on the positive, being for something, then you'll get more positives in return.  You're no longer fighting and moving in a negative direction, you're moving in a positive direction and more positives will return to you. 

I used to try to teach this concept to my preschool teachers.  They would come to me complaining about a particular child and how 'naughty' that child was.  My first question was always, "And what have you done?"  (I learned this idea from my parents.  It was always their first question to me when I had a problem).  The teacher's response was almost always, "Well, I've put them in time out, I've sent notes home to the parents, I've talked to the child over and over again.  I just don't know what else to do." 

My next question always surprised the newer staff people.  I would ask, "Have you told them what they're doing right, or well?"  The teacher would inevitably look at me as if I had two heads and say something to the effect of, "No, I don't think you understand me.  This child is a problem.  There aren't any good things to talk to them about."   My response was, "Really, NOTHING?  Do they cry when they come to school, or are they happy to come?  Do they help other children at any time?  Do they walk, instead of run, through the room?  Do they smile when you talk to them?  Isn't there something that they do that you enjoy about them?  No matter how small or seemingly insignificant, there must be something."  And as we examined it more closely, we would inevitably find at least one or two things that were good.  Many times the teacher was surprised by all the good things we could find.

My assignment to the teacher was to try something different; try to point out the good things, however few and far between they were, to the child.  Some days it would be difficult to find something, but they should do it.  Find something, any little thing, that was positive and celebrate it with that child.  Once the teacher made that shift, from the negative to the positive, change would begin to show in that child's behavior.  And there would be more positive behavior.  By the next visit with the teacher, in almost all of the cases, they would have good reports.

It's a small shift in our thinking.  Well, OK, maybe it's not so small.  For some of us, to shift away from being against the bad to being for the good, is a quantum leap but it has huge benefits.  Mother Teresa was never for war, but she understood that fighting against it would only produce more of what she didn't want.  Fighting just produces more fighting.  We've seen evidence of that over the past forty or fifty years.  Maybe it's time to try a new approach.  Maybe we need to start deciding what we're for!

"It is not how much we do, but how much love we put in the doing. It is not how much we give, but how much love we put in the giving."

 

The Seven Powers for Self Control

Lesson 6:  The Power of Acceptance

Until you feel your feelings, you will not allow others to feel theirs.

"But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not look on his appearance or on the height of his stature, because I have rejected him. For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart.”

—1 Samuel 16:7

In Lesson 4 we learned that no one can make us mad or upset without our permission.  The only person that we can change is ourselves.  This does not mean that we are to beat ourselves up and give up on ourselves because we have not lived up to our own standards.  Lesson 5 taught us that we are to love ourselves first and foremost.  If we don’t love us, then who will?  I think the big lesson in both of these is that we are to understand that we are human, and are therefore bound to make mistakes, and probably the same mistakes over and over again.  That’s called being human.  It’s more about the lessons you are learning from your mistakes. 

Lesson 6 is about the Power of Acceptance.  Acceptance means favorable reception or approval.  There is nothing in that definition about other people.  It means everyone, including and especially, yourself.  Becky Bailey, in her book Conscious Discipline, says, “We must discipline ourselves first by changing our beliefs.  By changing our beliefs...we change our thoughts.  This changes our feelings, which changes our behaviors.”  If you change your beliefs to say that “I am a lovable and capable human being,” then you allow yourself the privilege of loving yourself just the way you are, warts and all.  You understand that you will do your best and that your best, on any given day, may look different … and that’s OK.

My student, in Lesson 5, had not learned the lesson of acceptance.  I had not walked in his shoes, I don’t know exactly why he was driven to perfection.  I can make assumptions, but that is all that they are and I am not here to make judgments against anyone.  Far from it!  I am here to assure you that when you seek, when you crave perfection, you are destined to a life of never being quite good enough.  You will always find fault in what you have, what you do, and who you are.  While I’ve never reached the level that this young man was at, I’ve struggled with the idea that to be loved, I must meet someone’s criteria.  I’ve looked for things to fill a void in me that couldn’t be filled, for when I got the “prize” there was always another just ahead. 

It wasn’t until I learned that to be loved, to feel loved, I had to love myself that I began to really understand.  Loving others, accepting others, isn’t really possible until we can and do love ourselves.  So what do I mean when I say love ourselves?

“But there isn't any second half of myself waiting to plug in and make me whole. It's there. I'm already whole.”

Sally Field

Here’s what I’m talking about:  Loving yourself means accepting ALL of the parts of you, the parts you like and especially the parts you don’t like.  We all have them, both of them.  Acceptance of the parts you like is pretty simple.  If you don’t have any of these or only a few of these, then we need to have another discussion.  I want to focus on the parts you don’t like for now.  These parts are here, within us, to teach us lessons.  Remember, we all have them.  I mean every one of us!  Instead of fighting them, instead of being angry with ourselves over them, we need to love them and when we learn to love them and accept them as lessons, then they will begin to dissipate.  Remember, what you focus on, you get more of.

If you beat yourself up for your mistakes, then you are focusing on the bad behavior and you will get more bad behavior.  If you change your belief to say to yourself, “Well, there you are again ___________(whatever your mistake or issue).  What lesson are you trying to teach me today?” then you are not fighting any longer with yourself.  You are accepting yourself and when you accept yourself, you change your beliefs.  Change your beliefs…change your thoughts… change your feelings…change your behaviors.  This is the key to making those changes that will last a lifetime, those changes that we so want to make in ourselves.

When we love and accept ourselves, all the parts and pieces of ourselves, we are better able to love and accept others just as they are.  We understand that life is a journey and we each have our own lessons to learn on this journey.  We demonstrate to those around us that we are able to care and love, because we first love and accept ourselves.

 “When you find peace within yourself, you become the kind of person who can live at peace with others.”

Peace Pilgrim