Just What Makes That Little Old Ant...???

Always listen to experts. They'll tell you what can't be done and why. Then do it. - Robert Heinlein, 1907-1988

 

When I was first married my husband said to me, "You love it when someone tells you that you can't do something, don't you?  It's kind of like waving a red flag in front of a bull."  I guess I hadn't really thought about it before, but the answer was, "Yes, I think I do!"  I really love to attempt the impossible and make it possible.  What I discovered early on in my life is that it's just a mindset.  Some would call it stubborn, some would call it persistence, but, along with my Uncle Clinton, I call it determined. 

Determination:  The act of making or arriving at a decision.

Determination:  Firmness of purpose; resolve.

Stubborn:  Unreasonably, often perversely unyielding; bullheaded.

Stubborn:  Characterized by perseverance; persistent.

Persistent:  Refusing to give up or let go; persevering obstinately.

Hmmm....Yes, I would definitely choose determination:  the act of making or arriving at a decision.  I don't usually have too much trouble making up my mind.  Certainly, I am aware that there will be consequences from any decision and I weigh the consequences, good and bad, carefully before I decide.  But I am very rarely stymied by the decision itself.  Firmness of purpose; resolve...yep, that would be me.  If I believe something is the right thing to do, I will stick with it until I am finished; until the work is done.  I understand that many times others would have walked away long before I did and that is certainly their choice.  But likewise, my choice is to stay and do my best to make it work.  I learned this from watching my father over the years of my life.  He hasn't backed away from things just because they were tough.  And at the same time, he has kept a pretty positive outlook on life.  After all, whether things are good or bad is all in how you look at them.  It's a choice, just like being determined or not.

It seems to me that if you've crossed over into stubborn, then you've taken a positive and made it-maybe not a negative-but it's no longer a positive.  It's somewhere in the middle and could very easily move into the negative area.  When you move into the unreasonable, often perversely unyielding category,  it is no longer a strength but a weakness.  Being unreasonable is never a good thing.  Being perversely unyielding will only enable you to spend more time being hurt and disappointed.  There is no  up side to being stubborn.  It may get you what you want, but it's not going to make you happy in the long run.

Being labeled persistent may fall into the category somewhere between determined and stubborn.  I'm always talking to my son about the world being, not black or white, but more gray.  Persistent falls into that gray area.  Refusing to give up or let go may be helpful in some activities or assignments.  It may provide success in your efforts.  In some cases, this can be a good thing, but when it moves toward the persevering obstinately end of the spectrum you must ask yourself if this is really a good thing. 

It seems to me that it's a very fine line between determined, stubborn and persistent.  On any given day, on any given assignment I might be labeled any one of these things.  So I guess what I have to ask myself is, "What is my purpose?"  If my motives are selfish and all about me, then I am being stubborn.  If what I am doing is in the best interests of others or my well-being, then I am determined and that is a good thing. 

It's been twenty-five years since my, then, husband made this comment to me.  Someone asked me today why I continued to do something when others might have walked away long ago.  Without thinking I said, "Because it's the right thing to do."  As I was walking home, I thought about that.  Have I moved into the stubborn category?  Nope, I think I'm still doing OK, but thanks for checking on me!

The Seven Powers for Self Control

Lesson 7:  The Power of Intention

Mistakes are opportunities to learn

“A man's errors are his portals of discovery.”

James Joyce

We are now at the final lesson for the Seven Powers for Self Control.  We have learned about the Power of Perception, the Power of Unity, the Power of Attention, the Power of Free Will, the Power of Love, and the Power of Acceptance and now we will focus on the Power of Intention. This power is about looking at mistakes and seeing them as just that…a mistake, a learning opportunity. 

Let’s take a moment and talk about ‘mistakes.’  We all make them.  We all would rather not, but as human beings we will ALL of us make them.  The question becomes, “Why did we make them?”  To really discover the answer to this question, we have to take a look at our motivation or our intent.  If we hurt someone’s feelings, did we intend to hurt their feelings?  If we damaged something, did we intend to damage it?  I’m afraid we all know people who have bad intentions behind their actions.  They really don’t care who they hurt as long as they get what they want.  Then there are the people who deliberately set out to hurt.  Their intention is to hurt someone or a group of someones.  They want to inflict damage.

Thankfully, most of us don’t fit into this category.  When we make a mistake, it is an error.  It was never our intention to hurt or inflict pain of any kind.  It is these experiences that present us with the opportunity to grow and learn.  Think about the mistakes you’ve made in your life.  These were probably experiences that helped to shape who you are today.  You learned lessons from them or you wouldn’t still remember them.  Perhaps the lessons were good ones, maybe they were not so good, maybe even painful.  The point is, there was a lesson you learned from the mistake.

“Mistake is the global term I am using to define conflict situations.  When we make “poor” choices, we create conflicts for ourselves and others…If we are honest with ourselves, we know that in order to act better and change our ways, we must feel good about ourselves.  When we feel poorly, we tend to act poorly,” Becky Bailey tells us in her book Conscious Discipline.   “It is not human nature to feel bad about mistakes and good about accomplishments.  We learn this mind set.”

We need to look at the opportunity presented to us when we make a mistake. When you make a mistake do you see a moment to be responsible or do you see an opportunity to blame.  It is a choice, you know.  I’ve worked with children (and adults) for a long time.  What’s the first thing that happens when there is a conflict or a mistake?  Immediately, there is finger pointing.  “She made me do it!”  Really?  To every mistake made, there was a decision made.  You chose that course of action.  Sometimes you thought far enough ahead to see the consequences and decided the outcome was acceptable to you.  Sometimes you acted before you thought, requiring you to reflect on your choice and its consequences later.  Either way, you made a decision to act.  Either way there are consequences for that choice.  

If we love and accept ourselves, then we are ready, willing, and able to step up and take responsibility for our actions.  We understand the mistake that was made and we know that we will learn from it.  But more than that, we will love ourselves in spite of our actions.  We understand that our intention was honorable.  That we meant good, it just didn’t  turn out that way.  We accept responsibility and we attempt to make amends.  The lesson gets learned.

“What do you first do when you learn to swim? You make mistakes, do you not? And what happens? You make other mistakes, and when you have made all the mistakes you possibly can without drowning - and some of them many times over - what do you find? That you can swim? Well - life is just the same as learning to swim! Do not be afraid of making mistakes, for there is no other way of learning how to live!”

Alfred Adler

Mr. Adler is correct.  Mistakes are how we learn.  It was always posted in my classroom, “Welearn more from our mistakes than we do from our successes.”  This is true, when our intention behind the mistake was good and genuine. 

 

This completes our study of the Seven Powers for Self Control.  It is something we spend our entire lives trying to accomplish.  It is not something that we will do in one day, or one week, or even one year.  It is a process we will spend our lives working to achieve.  Hopefully, when that last day comes, we’ll look back and see that we learned our lessons to the best of our ability. 

Decisions, Decisions



You know, most of the time I don't mind being a single woman.  I'm OK with eating by myself, either here at home or out in a restaurant.  I enjoy most of my evenings at home curled up with my dog watching television or reading a good book.  I don't mind, most of the time, being a single parent.  But there are times, when I really miss having someone to talk over big decisions with.  In my former community I had a good friend that I talked with.  She was my sounding board, and while she never really gave advice, she allowed me the opportunity to talk it over until I had worked it through for myself.  We'd sit and have coffee and spend the afternoon or evening or sometimes both hashing over my latest dilemma or hers.  She never seemed to mind while I went around and around the issue.  I valued her so much for this, and for so much more!

Now I am in a new place with new friends.  I love them all!  They have welcomed me into their homes and their lives and I thank them, but I don't have someone yet that I feel confident enough to share all my secrets and thoughts with.  You know, that friend that you know all of their stuff and they know all of yours and you just love each other any way.  I don't have that here...yet, and I miss it. 

I could pick up the phone and call my friend.  We could talk over the phone but it's not the same as sitting there, face to face sharing all of life with each other.  So, for the first time in my ten years of being single, I face life alone.  I have my God to talk things over with and it is always amazing to me how he places wisdom in front of me.  My scripture reading this morning helped me to remember that I really cannot control anything anyway and that He is always working in our hearts, even when we can't see it.  I cherish my relationship with Him, but I still miss that personal contact.  After all, He's the one that created us to have relationships, that personal contact.  My decision is not life shattering, especially when you ask the question I always try to remember...In five years, is this going to be a big deal?  I can't say that it will be, but it is a big deal today, for me.  I will work it out.  I always do and life will go on.  The process is just new to me, it's different and I have to find my new way.  And I will.

So my message today?  Appreciate those special people in your life, whoever they may be.  We never know just how long we will have them.  Tell them how much you love and appreciate them.  It's those relationships that give us the color in our lives.  They provide the highlights and get us through the low points.  Tell them how important they are to you and thank God for each and every one of them!