My Kids, Part Two



I am the leader of a group of middle school aged youth who attend the youth group at our church.  Some of these kiddos are church members, but many of them are not.  In a time when everyone seems to believe that our young people are totally lost and will inevitably be the downfall of the world, I'd like to share with you what these young people are doing this summer.

In case you don't know, we're in the midst of a flood here in southeastern Nebraska.  Those of us in my community are high enough that we will be safe, but only a few miles away, our water treatment plant, our electric plant, and our friends are in BIG trouble.  And this trouble is expected to last throughout the summer and into the fall.  Our food pantry, which normally sees 5-7 people every other week, had 37 applicants this past Monday.  Even if their homes are safe on the other side of the Missouri River, their employment may be in jeopardy if they work on this side as there is no way across unless you travel north to Omaha or south to St. Jo.  People who were hurting already from the economy are now devastated by this latest disaster...and we're just in the beginning phases of it.



The middle school youth group at our church normally meets only during the school year because of vacations, ball games, and other summer activities.  This year, though, the kids wanted to continue to meet, when they could so I've been eating lots of pizza and ice cream delights...and listening to them.  These kids have helped family members and friends move out of their homes and into their basements or garages.  They have watched as whole communities have been closed until further notice.  And they want to do something.

This week they changed their group name to HOPE.  And their first action under this new name was to create a fund for victims of the flood.  They have no idea what the funds will be used for, but as the needs come to light, they want to address them.  They identified possible needs of gasoline for people who's trips to work will now be more than three hours one way, or items they can't get at the food pantry like food for their pets, or extra childcare costs while the parents are commuting.  These are just some ideas they talked about the other night.

Their second action was to begin to work with the mission organization of our church to provide layette kits for babies in need.  They not only want to continue meeting one evening a week to move these projects forward, they asked if they could come two other days of the week, during the day.  They want to take action, not just a little action, but massive action to do something to help others. 



Of course, there was also a little talk about some fun things they could do, but I was impressed that the fun also included a little mission work.  As an example, they talked about contacting a church in Omaha and asking how they could help them...painting, cleaning, childcare, food pantry.  Once the work was finished, then perhaps a trip to the zoo, or a concert.  But I was very impressed that they planned the work part first, and then the fun.  They even talked about getting some fundraisers underway to pay for all of it.

Now, tell me again about how bad the young people of today are.  As someone who has worked with young people for many, many years, I am well aware that our young people are under fire from all sides.  Parents are less and less able to care for them, teachers seem to have given up and are so busy teaching so that "No Child is Left Behind" that they're not getting much help there, and our churches have either cut out youth groups or have forgotten how to reach them.  Kids are no different than they were when I was young.  They want to know that they count.  They want to know that they are important.  They want to do something important. 

Well, they are! 

They're B-A-C-K!!!

If you kick a stone in anger, you'll hurt your own foot. 

Korean Proverb

If you read my blog last week, you know that I had an issue with a group of boys at the youth group meeting I am in charge of.  In case you didn’t read it (and shame on you), I’ll share a brief version.  One young man decided it was his turn to be in charge.  I politely asked him to give the floor back to me, he refused, and I asked him to move to the back of the room where he and another of the leaders had a verbal exchange and he made the decision to leave the meeting…and three of his friends followed.  Not exactly the way I had intended for my first real meeting with the kids to go.  (There was a whole lot more to the story…you really should have read it).

Anyway, this past Wednesday night was intended to be the end of the year party.  The young men who chose to leave were told that, if they left the meeting, they would not be allowed to attend the party.  You guessed it; Wednesday afternoon I received a text from the young man who had attempted to ‘share’ my platform asking if he could come.  I encouraged him to come and talk to me about it and he did…15 minutes before the party was to start, along with two of his friends (the third boy’s parents wouldn’t let him come).  I had prayed that they would come back.  I had hoped that they would have the courage to come talk to me about it and here they were.

Immediately two of the three were sorry.  They made some bad choices and “we won’t do it again.”  Let’s see, they’re thirteen…I don’t know about that promise, but I believe they were sincere when they said it.  I asked them why, after it was their choice to leave, I should allow them to come.  The leader of the group told me that he really liked the group and that his friends were there and he wanted to be a part of it.  The one friend agreed with him.  The other stood by and watched.  These boys need to be a part of this group.  Of all the kids, these three young men need a positive influence in their lives, so I told them there were three requirements to attend. 

1.       Individually, they must apologize to me, sincerely.

2.       Individually, they must apologize to the other leaders, sincerely.

3.       Individually, (and this was the killer) they must each apologize to the rest of the group, sincerely.

Just the words, “I’m sorry,” would not be sufficient.  They were absolutely agreeable to the first two.  The third one brought wide eyes and tortured sighs.  They wanted to know why they had to apologize to their friends so we talked about respect not just being for adults, but for everyone around them.  They agreed and asked for a few minutes to think about what they wanted to say.  I told them they could have the time and then join the group.  It would be up to the others whether or not they could stay.

This was not an easy assignment.  The words, “I’m sorry,” fell out of their mouths so easily to me that I felt it was important to stress to them that to be truly sorry is an action, not just words.  The first action to show true repentance was to say it and mean it in front of their peers.   The leader of the group went first and he did a fine job.  I was proud of him.  The second young man was not so sincere and by the third all sincerity was lost.  Even the leader of the threesome had taken on an attitude of indifference.

As hard as it was for me (and it was VERY hard) I told the young men that the leaders and I could not accept their apology.  Even about half of their peers were in agreement.  But I left the door open.  Yes, this was the end of the school year party, but I intend to meet with whoever would like to join me on Wednesday evenings for fun and fellowship.  This will start next Wednesday night and, if the threesome would like to join us, they’d be given another chance.

Unfortunately, the evening did not end there...

I'll finish the story tomorrow.  Sorry, you'll just have to check back!

Blessings to you today!

             Do not teach your children never to be angry; teach them how to be angry.

                                                                 Lymon Abbott       

       

Building Bridges

Treat people as if they were what they ought to be,
and you help them to become what they are capable
of being.
--Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

We had an 'issue' at youth group last night.  I am the director of a youth program.  I just started there last month so I'm just getting to know these kiddos and I like them very much.  It's been a few years since I've worked with this age group.  I had forgotten how 'right out there' middle school kids are.  Boy, something pops into their head and it's out of their mouth.  It's kind of refreshing after working with adults (I still do that too) who measure and weigh everything before they speak.  I had a friend tell me that she had tried to work with the youth group, but she just couldn't do it because they were just too mean.  She said she had to leave the room several times in tears.  I don't think they're intentionally mean, I just don't think they've learned to filter anything yet.  Isn't that what maturation is all about?

As the new director, I was being tested last night.  All of the kids were pushing me to see just how far they could go before I drew the line.  The first few nights there, I had jokingly held control of the group, but last night a few boys decided to push the limit and it was time to draw the line.  They needed to know that I, as the adult leader, would be in charge.  Kids, even middle school age kids, need to know where the lines are.  Once they know this, then everyone can settle in and feel safe together.  I gave the ring-leader of the group a choice:  he could be courteous and respectful of me and the others who were speaking or he could go to the back of the room by himself.  He chose C, neither of the above.  (Don't you just love the kids who always choose that one?  Really, I do.  They keep you on your toes).  I offered him the two choices again and added this time that if he didn't choose, I would choose for him.  Again, he chose C, so my choice for him was to go to the back of the room where he could talk all he wanted to, to himself, and not bother the rest of us.

He thought I was joking and then, immediately, he was sorry.  I assured him that when he showed me that he could be respectful, I would allow him to rejoin us and I urged him to move.  Immediately, another young man, whom I hadn't seen before, said that he liked the old director better than me.  I thanked him for his opinion and asked him if he had anything else he wanted to share.  When he was put in the spotlight, he refused any further opinions.  While this new young man and I were having our very short conversation at the front of the room, my first little friend was having words with another of the leaders in the back of the room.  He became belligerent and refused to comply.  I was not aware that this was happening in the back because I had started the evening's lesson.  The kids were quiet and attentive and we were reviewing last week's lesson when I heard the leader in the back of the room say, "If that's the way you feel, then you shouldn't be here.  Maybe you need to go home."  The young man looked dumbstruck.  Of course, his answer was, "OK.  Maybe I will."  And he got up and left.  Three other boys followed him out.  As they walked out, the leader told them that if that was their choice, they would not be allowed to come to the end of the year Beach Party next week.  And still they walked out.  Another of the leaders followed the boys outside and then called their parents so they knew that the boys had left our care.

This was not how I had planned for the evening to go.  I had intended to present the kids with a lesson on Belonging and Love.  (Hmmm....best laid plans???)  All night long I dreamt about those boys walking out--the boys who really need the youth group.  I prayed first thing this morning, that God would take what happened and turn it around for those young people.  The next several minutes, after their departure, the group said a prayer, each young person voicing their needs and thoughts.  I was impressed with the maturity of the kids that stayed.  They prayed for those boys and they prayed for the group as a whole.  The rest of the evening went very well with the group choosing a mission statement for themselves:
   
  Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity.  I Timothy 4:12   Impressive, huh?

I am saddened by the happenings of last night.  Of all the young people there, those boys need that group more than any of the rest.  Their home lives are not rich in love and acceptance and I'm afraid that without a group like ours, they will join another, less advantageous group.  I pray that God will turn this around for these kids and that the maturity and grace that I observed in the other kids will help them to reach out and bring them all back.

 
But we went wrong when we backed him into a corner.  The only way out for him was to leave.  To maintain his sense of dignity and respect by the other kids, he had to leave and hope that someone, anyone, would follow him.  My intention, when I sent him back, was to get the group started and then to go back and talk to him, privately, myself.  He didn't allow us to get that far, for all of this took place in about five minutes.  (I forgot the reaction time of middle school kids.  I should have had a leader take over immediately for me at the front of the group and gone with him to the back.  Maybe we could have diffused all of this).

You see, we were both right.  He needed to understand and demonstrate respect for me and for the others in the group, leaders and kids.  I needed to respect his position in the group of his peers, especially the boys sitting there.  This young man is a leader, no doubt.  He is charismatic, he is dynamic, and he is full of life.  We need to find a way to channel that energy and produce a positive outcome for him and the group.  We're going to just keep praying that the Lord will work his miracles and bring those boys back to us (with an apology to everyone for their behavior, I hope).  We need his leadership and courage, for it took great courage for him to walk out of there in front of so many of his friends.  I privately had to applaud the young men who stood with him, their friend.  One of them in particular, knew he would be in trouble with his parents and made the choice anyway.

Please don't misunderstand, I'm not saying what they did was all right, but it wasn't all wrong either.  They're young and they need to understand respect and cooperation.  This is a group and we must find a way to work together as a youth family.  As such, we will have disagreements and falling-outs.  Last night was one of those.  Now we must find a way to reconcile our differences and build a bridge to the future together.  This is why I love what I do. 

When I was very little, my dad was in construction.  He built bridges.  I think I must have inherited that gene.  With God's help, I'll find a way to build a bridge here.  I hope those boys will all be on the other side, but even if they are not, I will be sure that they know that I love them no matter what and so does God.

Shoot for the Moon!

Why is it that so many of us are afraid to reach beyond our normal range?  We settle into our lives, get comfortable with the way things are, and just maintain it.  Then we reach the ripe old age of 40 or 45 or even 50 and we begin to evaluate EVERYTHING.  And it doesn't feel like it's enough or something is just not quite right.  We can't really put our finger on it.  There's a longing for --- something.  But what?  I've heard it explained as, "I was just skimming along the surface of my life.  Now I want to dive deep, deeper than I've every dived before."  Another friend said, "I've raised my kids, I've done my job, now I want to raise me.  For the first time since I was eighteen years old, I want to re-evaluate what I really want."


The reality is, those of us who are "middle-aged" are facing the second half of our lives.  For some this will be a long time.  For others, the time will be shorter.  None of us know exactly where we'll fall between those marks, but the reality of our life span is smacking us in the face and we want to be certain that however long the remaining time may be, it is not wasted. 


For some, it means leaving the confines of the business world, slowing down and enjoying life.  For others, as with another friend, we look for deeper meaning and start a new career in the service of others.  For me, the last few years have been an opportunity to sit back and listen to the inner callings of my heart.  What is it that I feel, that I know, in my soul I'm here to do? 


It's an interesting time in our household.  My son will be nineteen years old in a couple of weeks.  He has chosen not to attend college at this time and to create a technology business with some friends.  This has been a dream of his for several years and we both agreed that this was his moment in time to give it a try.  College is always available should this opportunity not pan out.  He is young with very few responsibilities.  Now is the time!


I watch him in his youth, lashing about, attempting to control things, to make things work his way and I remember myself at the same age doing some of the same things (we didn't have computers and cell phones but the ideas were the same--we were in control, we could make things happen). 


At fifty three years old, I've learned that we really do control our destiny.  What we think becomes our lives.  I've also learned that it's much easier to allow the things I want in my life to happen rather than to try to force the things I want.  Both ways may work, but allowing is so much simpler for everyone involved.  It's a much more peaceful existence, and I'm all about peace at this point in my life. 


Why is it that when we're young we believe that things must happen by force?  When is it that we learn that force may not be the easiest way to accomplish things?  I don't remember when that shift happened for me.  I just know that it did, and I'm grateful!  I've come to a point in my life where I don't want to, or have the energy to, force things anymore.  I'm relieved to sit back and watch as the world unfolds, just the way it is supposed to, and usually to my benefit. 


A good friend gave me a poster many years ago that I have kept on my desk, "Shoot for the moon.  Even if you miss it, you will land among the stars!" (Les Brown).  My son is shooting for the moon.  God bless him!  I, also, am shooting for the moon, a little more quietly, but never the less reaching for the same goal. 



Who Makes Up These Rules?

I am the oldest of four children.  As such, I was always being told to "act my age."  Now, at the time, I never really understood that; I thought I was!  After all, just exactly how does a twelve year old behave?  I remember wanting a doll for my birthday that year and being told that I was too old for those kinds of toys.  Who makes these rules?  I'm fifty-three years old now, and I still can't figure out where these rules come from!  Who decides what nineteen year olds "should be," or thirty year olds, or fifty-three year olds?

You know, I've run into some "issues" in my life because I refuse to be or act the way I am "supposed to."  In fact, I was told recently by someone very close to me that I should get my act together and behave as someone my age should behave and yet, when I asked exactly how that was, I didn't get an answer.  I'm just supposed to know.  Well, guess what?  I do know and I am. 

Most days, I feel like I'm nineteen again and I can do anything.  I don't let what other people think I "should" be or do, determine my path.  Yes, there are those days when I feel like I'm at least fifty three years old (and probably more).  I have aches and pains and I'm cranky and just generally out of sorts, but I don't allow those days to become my norm. 

I know this is the only life I'm going to have on this earth and I'd better make my days count.  I can sit at home and feel badly about the way some things have gone in my life, or I can enjoy all the things that have gone right and look forward to more!  I choose the latter!  I want to be like that little cardinal who landed in my front yard yesterday.  It's way too early for cardinals in Nebraska but there he was, all by himself, splashing in the melting snow puddle on my sidewalk.  Good for him!  He may have to weather a snow storm or two but he is obviously strong of character and wise enough to weather the storm. 

Hmmmm.....birds of a feather?