MY ONE WORD

For the past couple of years now I lead a study in which we chose a word to guide the coming days, the next year.  My very first word is still posted on my refrigerator and speaks to me as I work as a reminder that it is not necessary for me to have absolute control.  Now, this is an idea that does not come easily to me first, by my very nature and second, as I'm discovering, by my life experiences. My first word was BE.  Simple, right?  Just BE...to remain unmolested, undisturbed, or uninterrupted.  Let me tell you, it's far easier sounding than doing!  And what I also discovered was that God was about to give me all kinds of lessons in practicing that simple little two-letter word. 

I am leaving you with a gift - peace of mind and heart.  And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give.  So don't be troubled or afraid.  

John 14:27

Message:  Stop being the busy little bee and just be. 

So the second year I was better prepared to choose a word that would, perhaps, be a little easier.  Oh, such foolhardiness!  POSITIVE...meaning find the positive, be the positive.  As prepared as I thought I was, I had no idea what God would lay out for me over the course of this year and being POSITIVE, finding the POSITIVE was not always easy. In fact, a lot of days I didn't find it. I would start each morning with scripture and quotes and prayer to lead me and I would end each night with the same but I have to admit, in looking back over the past 361 days, I fear I failed more than I succeeded...oops!  Darn it!  See how difficult it is?

While the first year held all nature of challenges to BE, POSITIVE went beyond anything I could have imagined.  Major illness, loss of a job, moving to a new community in a new state, leaving such dear loved ones...

It has been a challenge to be sure and I have not been very successful, especially in these last few days of the year.

Watch the way you talk.  Let nothing foul or dirty come out of your mouth.  

Say only what helps, each word a gift.

Ephesians 4:29

Your challenge is not your challenge.  

Now it is time to choose a new word and I have to admit that I'm more than a little gun-shy.  My goodness, the simple little word that is chosen carries so much power!  Who knew?

I have been a teacher in one capacity or another for over forty years.  I know words and I know how powerful they can be to build or destroy, but I never understood the power of a single word and the impact it can have in shaping who we are.  Choosing one word changes our focus from so many things that are demanding our attention every moment of every day to one thing.  And that one thing, that one word, begins to change you from the inside out.  

As I read through my journal that I, quite honestly, had set aside over the past several months I find that perhaps I have learned more than I realized.  If nothing else, I caught myself as I was heading down that less than POSITIVE road.  While my goal was to do my best to totally eliminate the negativity in my head and mouth, maybe I've taken some steps to at least recognize, if not apologize, for the fear that came through.  That's really what it was...fear. Anger over other's actions or inactions.  You know, anger is really just a cover for some other emotion.  So mine is ...  Fear... of not being in control (see that little two-letter word again)?  Fear for someone else.  Fear of someone else.  Fear that ... Oh my goodness!  Do you see how easy it is to forget?

BE.  POSITIVE.  And the next word is...

I really don't know.  I have started my list and I'll begin to work through the words to eventually choose one.  God has brought me through some challenges as I've chosen these words that I couldn't have imagined and He will see me through the next.  I have learned to BE, mostly.  I have learned to look for and find the POSITIVE, sometimes.  But most of all I have learned that whatever word I choose, the Lord will lead me through it.  It might be a bumpy ride full of surprises but here's what came to me this morning,

"God does not call us to a safe faith. He does not promise that we will have a clear view of all that lies ahead. He does not promise us simplicity. Instead, He invites us to embrace a vibrant faith that trusts Him. A faith that is alive and energized, in spite of the unsteady unknowns. His arms are not too short to save and His ears are not dull to hear. He is powerful, capable, compassionate, merciful, holy, just, and faithful."  (from Girlfriends in God, Help for a Heart That Worries, by Gwen Smith).

“Surely the arm of the Lord is not too short to save, nor is his ear to dull to hear.”

Isaiah 59:1 

When I am afraid, I will put my trust in you.  Psalm 56:3

Hmm...maybe I should add that word to my list.

The Seven Powers for Self Control

I'd like to take the next several days and look at the Seven Powers for Self Control.  It seems to me that in today's world we have lost our ability to control ourselves; maybe this is why we work so hard to control everything and everyone around us.  Instead of looking outside of ourselves, I would suggest we stop and take a look in the mirror.  It really is not difficult if we think things through a little bit.  These are skills that we all need to work on.  Let's start with:

Lesson 1: The Power of Perception

from FunnyHubhttp://www.funnyhub.com/pictures/pages/mirror-image-perceptions.html

No one can make you mad without your permission

It really is true that no one can make you angry without your permission.  We all like to believe that someone outside of ourselves is responsible for the way we respond in any given situation, but the reality is, it is a choice that we make.  It is so much easier not to take responsibility for our actions, but as we mature we understand that we must be responsible for what we do.  We must set the example for our children so that we model for them the way they should be.

William Shakespeare said, "There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so."  It isn't what they said or did that made you mad.  It's what you thought about what they said that made you mad.  Circumstances and others' comments collide with our attitudes, thoughts, beliefs, and values.  People don't upset us.  Circumstances can't make us unhappy.  It is our interpretation of those circumstances or the words and actions of others that upset us causing anger, sadness, or self-pity.  A continued focus on anger, sadness, and self-pity evolve into hate, rage, revenge depression, and resentment toward self, other people, life, or God.

Most people don’t understand that emotions can be controlled.  Remember, what we focus on we get more of, so shift your focus.  Stephen Covey, author of The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People says, “Seek first to understand, then be understood.”  Life has given each of us our own unique vision of the world.  All of the events of our lives have shaped and molded the lenses in which we view everything.  My lens is different than your lens and your lens is different from everyone else’s.  There is no way that we can truly understand what it is to look through another’s lens.  Even if we try, we will never see what they see.

Therefore, the best that we can do is try to understand.  It is important to clarify the intention of the person who has ‘offended’ you.  Communication is a very difficult concept.  Even at best, the words that we use will have many different meanings.  Based on your ‘lens,’ you see and hear words differently than someone else.   Ask the person to re-state what it is they said, or you attempt to re-state what you heard them say.  Then they have the opportunity to say again what they intended.  Sometimes this takes a long time to truly be understood.

It is important to be aware of your own thoughts and feelings.  When you do this, you put yourself in control of your behavior.  When you just react without thinking or acknowledging yourself, you put others in control of you.  We each have around 60,000 thoughts in our heads each day.  Tomorrow will be almost entirely the same 60,000 thoughts we had today.  This ‘loop’ is continually playing in our brains.  It never stops.  Do you know what you’re thinking right now?  I would venture to say that you don’t.  Richard Carlson suggests in his book Easier Than You Think that you watch the screen of your mind like you watch the movie screen.  Just watch your thoughts go by for a short period of time.  Don’t judge what you see, just watch.  You’ll be amazed.  You’ll become aware.

You cannot teach children the power of self-control if you haven’t mastered it yourself and self-control begins with your perceptions.  You would not purposely hand control over to your children, but when you allow them to control what you do or don’t do, that is exactly what you are doing.  When you say, “You make me so mad,” or “Don’t make me…” you are putting that other person in control of you.  You’re saying that for this moment in time, I’ll let you be in charge of me and my actions. 

Stop what you’re thinking right now and change it.  Don’t give anyone permission to upset you.  Take back control of your life.  Self-control is an act of love and a moment-by-moment choice.  Seize the moment, now.

“I've suffered a great many catastrophes in my life. Most of them never happened.”

Mark Twain

Control Freaks



Is there someone in your life that seems to believe that the world could not possibly revolve without their guidance and attention?  As a recovering control freak myself, I am very aware of the impact one can have within a small community.  In my group of new friends here in southeast Nebraska, I have come across a woman who, bless her heart, really feels that she must be in control...of EVERYTHING!  She is a God-fearing, scripture-reading person who, I have no doubt, believes that what she is doing is right and good for everyone.  After all, who could possibly do what she does and do it better than her?

The interesting thing is, I think I could probably become good friends with this person.  I believe she has a heart that cares tremendously for others.  I believe that her intentions really are for good, but her methods leave others cowering in her wake and fearful of voicing anything that might be different from her opinions.  Rather than engaging her in a dialogue, folks have opted to go another way and steer clear of her which is difficult, for in this new institution where I work, she has inserted herself in almost everything.  Now, this could be a problem for me, because much of what she wants to do (or is doing), I have been charged with  by the "authorities."

So, how do I maneuver these new waters?  I have no doubt that I was placed in this position for a reason.  I have many, many years of experience so this is not the first time, nor probably the last, that I will face this challenge.  My mission is to find a way to channel her efforts to be a benefit to all, instead of a hindrance.  It is not my job to "put her in her place" or to usurp her efforts in any way.  As I see it, my mission is to help her find a way to work as a member of a group, using her knowledge and experience to enable the community to move forward as one entity, one joined body.  It is also my mission to help others find their voices when working with her, so that they don't worry about being shut-down or hurt by her efforts to guide and direct them. 

It really comes down to that old issue of effectively communicating, doesn't it?  We all talk to each other (although, I think at each other might be more appropriate).  We speak thousands and thousands of words every day and we know what we intended.  So why are there so many misunderstandings and disagreements surrounding our communications? 

The problem is the way in which we listen.  Each of us hears through our unique set of ears and experiences.  The word love can mean a million different things because what I have known as love in my life, may be entirely different than what you have known as love in yours.  So when I use the word love in my conversation with you, you immediately see the image that the word holds for you, while I see the word through my own image.  Now, imagine ALL of the words in our language and all the various meanings of those words.  It is no wonder that we have misunderstandings and hurt feelings!  We think we've spoken very clearly; we don't know how to say it any differently.  Likewise, we think we've listened very carefully and are certain that we understood exactly what they said.  And still, there are problems!

This is why it is so important that we never take for granted that what we said was understood.  We must make an effort to ask each other for clarifications, to be effective listeners, especially with people that we don't know so very well.  It's not difficult with our long-time, close friends.  We know each other.  We've shared experiences so that when I say, "I really love this person," she knows what I mean.  We've shared that image and it is the same.  But with someone new, you must build those bridges to understanding.  It takes time and a lot of effort on both parts, but, oh, the benefits are tremendous! 

The ability to really share with another person is what relationships are truly about.  The benefit of giving of yourself enough that another can 'see' into your soul is a gift that you can give.  Some are not able to do this.  They learned early on in their lives that giving at this level is not safe and therefore, they keep everyone, or almost everyone, at a great distance never showing the true self.  Because of this, everyone loses. 

So I am faced with this challenge.  I must make every effort to find a way to build a bridge amongst these people.  I have no idea whether or not I will be successful, but I know that God had best be going there before me or I have no chance.  I must trust that He will guide and direct my works so that everyone will feel loved and cared for when my work here is finished.  And, hopefully, when all is done and I move on to the next place, the people of this community will be better for the work we all did here. 

Blessings to you!

Don't Push the River



Many years ago, I purchased a small stone plaque for my husband.  He is a man who is driven, who believes his work is never good enough and that he is never good enough.  For that reason, he is always trying to do even more, even better.  It is no surprise, then, that he burns out in a very short time and then feels the need to move on to the next 'best thing.' 

This little plaque literally fell into my hands as I was shopping one day.  When I turned it to read I was so taken by the words, "Don't push the river.  It flows all by itself."  I immediately thought of my spouse and his efforts were exactly that.  He was trying to  "push the river."  What a miserable way to live as it is an impossible task.  It sat on his desk for many years.  After we divorced I had forgotten about it until recently when something, I'm not even sure what, brought it back into my memory banks.

I, too, have been guilty at times of trying to 'push the river.'  I think that most days I understand that it is pointless to attempt to do so, but there are those days when I'm tired or I'm overwhelmed that I begin to feel like I'm carrying the whole world on my shoulders.  I am thankful that when that happens now I recognize the 'symptoms' and am immediately reminded of the cure.  I don't have to carry this burden.   I don't have to push the river.  It will flow very well without any help from me. 

I recently had a conversation with a dear one regarding her comment, "Let go and let God."  My question was, "How do you know that you've done what you're supposed to do and when to 'let go?'  I never really got an answer to that question from her, but I did find an answer elsewhere.  It's ALL about letting go.  It's about listening to that voice inside of you, but more than that you have to take action on what that voice tells you.  It's not enough just to listen.  We all hear it, but we don't all do something about it. 

If we will listen to the voice (I believe that's God's channel) and then do what He has told us to do, we don't have to wonder, we don't have to worry.  It doesn't even have to make sense to us.  We just have to know and understand that it is right, in this moment, because it is.  We may not ever know the why and that's all right.  Each act that we undertake produces an effect of some kind.  It's our task in life to learn from what we've done, good and bad, but we can only do that if we have taken action.  Nothing is learned by sitting and thinking about it, wishing for a 'miracle' to happen.  Certainly, God performs miracles and sometimes He uses us to do it.  That's a miracle right there!

So this morning I urge you to catch yourself as you try to push the river.  It really will lighten your load if you'll just let it flow....all by itself.                        Blessings to you!

For additional thoughts on listening I encourage you to check out this post (http://aflourishinglife.com/2011/06/shhhhh-are-you-listening/) from a Flourishing Life.

Shoot for the Moon!

Why is it that so many of us are afraid to reach beyond our normal range?  We settle into our lives, get comfortable with the way things are, and just maintain it.  Then we reach the ripe old age of 40 or 45 or even 50 and we begin to evaluate EVERYTHING.  And it doesn't feel like it's enough or something is just not quite right.  We can't really put our finger on it.  There's a longing for --- something.  But what?  I've heard it explained as, "I was just skimming along the surface of my life.  Now I want to dive deep, deeper than I've every dived before."  Another friend said, "I've raised my kids, I've done my job, now I want to raise me.  For the first time since I was eighteen years old, I want to re-evaluate what I really want."


The reality is, those of us who are "middle-aged" are facing the second half of our lives.  For some this will be a long time.  For others, the time will be shorter.  None of us know exactly where we'll fall between those marks, but the reality of our life span is smacking us in the face and we want to be certain that however long the remaining time may be, it is not wasted. 


For some, it means leaving the confines of the business world, slowing down and enjoying life.  For others, as with another friend, we look for deeper meaning and start a new career in the service of others.  For me, the last few years have been an opportunity to sit back and listen to the inner callings of my heart.  What is it that I feel, that I know, in my soul I'm here to do? 


It's an interesting time in our household.  My son will be nineteen years old in a couple of weeks.  He has chosen not to attend college at this time and to create a technology business with some friends.  This has been a dream of his for several years and we both agreed that this was his moment in time to give it a try.  College is always available should this opportunity not pan out.  He is young with very few responsibilities.  Now is the time!


I watch him in his youth, lashing about, attempting to control things, to make things work his way and I remember myself at the same age doing some of the same things (we didn't have computers and cell phones but the ideas were the same--we were in control, we could make things happen). 


At fifty three years old, I've learned that we really do control our destiny.  What we think becomes our lives.  I've also learned that it's much easier to allow the things I want in my life to happen rather than to try to force the things I want.  Both ways may work, but allowing is so much simpler for everyone involved.  It's a much more peaceful existence, and I'm all about peace at this point in my life. 


Why is it that when we're young we believe that things must happen by force?  When is it that we learn that force may not be the easiest way to accomplish things?  I don't remember when that shift happened for me.  I just know that it did, and I'm grateful!  I've come to a point in my life where I don't want to, or have the energy to, force things anymore.  I'm relieved to sit back and watch as the world unfolds, just the way it is supposed to, and usually to my benefit. 


A good friend gave me a poster many years ago that I have kept on my desk, "Shoot for the moon.  Even if you miss it, you will land among the stars!" (Les Brown).  My son is shooting for the moon.  God bless him!  I, also, am shooting for the moon, a little more quietly, but never the less reaching for the same goal.