Attitude Determines Attitude

Do not let what you cannot do interfere with what you can do. -John Wooden   I woke up early today, excited over all I get to do before the clock strikes midnight. I have responsibilities to fulfill today. I am important. My job is to choose what kind of day I am going to have. Today I can complain because the weather is rainy or I can be thankful that the grass is getting watered for free. Today I can feel sad that I don't have more money or I can be glad that my finances encourage me to plan my purchases wisely and guide me away from waste. Today I can grumble about my health or I can rejoice that I am alive. Today I can lament over all that my parents didn't give me when I was growing up or I can feel grateful that they allowed me to be born. Today I can cry because roses have thorns or I can celebrate that thorns have roses. Today I can mourn my lack of friends or I can excitedly embark upon a quest to discover new relationships. Today I can whine because I have to go to work or I can shout for joy because I have a job to do. Today I can complain because I have to go to school or eagerly open my mind and fill it with rich new tidbits of knowledge. Today I can murmur dejectedly because I have to do housework or I can feel honored because the Lord has provided shelter for my mind, body and soul. Today stretches ahead of me, waiting to be shaped. And here I am, the sculptor who gets to do the shaping. What today will be like is up to me. I get to choose what kind of day I will have! - Author Unknown Philippians 1:27 (ESV)  Only let your manner of life be worthy of the gospel of Christ, so that whether I come and see you or am absent, I may hear of you that you are standing firm in one spirit, with one mind striving side by side for the faith of the gospel,

I Believe in You



Every good teacher (or parent) will understand this poem...

I believe in you
When you yell across the room
Or call someone else a name.

I believe in you
When you say you don't want to do
Something that you've been asked to do.

I believe in you
When you take the blame quietly,
Knowing it wasn't your fault--
Knowing that, probably, no one understands.

I believe in you
When you're bored and would rather be somewhere else
Having fun
But you buckle down and do your work anyway
And stay in school.

I believe in you
When the world around you makes bad choices--
But you don't.
I pray you never will

I love your red hair, blonde hair, black hair, and brown.
I love your freckles, white skin, brown skin, black skin, and tan.
I love you, not for what you are on the outside,
But what you are on the inside.

I believe in you when you try,
When you don't try,
When you turn the world upside down
Or try to set it right.

I believe in you
For who you were, who you are,
And who I know that you can be.

Sometimes I see your good manners, your caring ways,
And I think what wonderful parents you must have
And how proud they'd be if they could see you right now.
Don't ever shame them, but live to make them proud.
Bring them up with you before the world.

I've seen you hurt, seen you care,
Seen you stand together as a unit,
Seen your hands:
Your little, growing hands,
That went from holding toys in Show and Tell
To skillfully throwing balls through a hoop (or at the wall).
Those hands will someday be left in charge of the world.
Learn your lessons well.
I believe in you,
And so do others, though you may not know it.

Love,
Mrs. Barbie
Barbara Aldrich

The teacher sees what can be, what will be, if just nurtured a little bit, loved a little bit, encouraged a little bit.  I have been privileged to do just that with thousands of young people over the years.  I thank God every day for each of those opportunities.  They have all left their print on my heart.

 Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD, the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one’s youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them! He shall not be put to shame when he speaks with his enemies in the gate.

Psalm 127:3-5

The Thirty Maybe's



Maybe love has always been
Maybe we made up hate
Maybe we don't find God because we don't look
Maybe this is heaven
Maybe we invented hell
Maybe there is always hope
Maybe we pretend there is not
Maybe we know all the answers
Maybe we ask the wrong questions
Maybe we can share this world
Maybe we don't have to fight
Maybe we wrote the script
Maybe this is our choice
Maybe we need to learn
Maybe we need to remember
Maybe we forgot who we are
Maybe we will recall the truth
Maybe we can relax
Maybe we can all calm down
Maybe we can recognize each other
Maybe we can recognize ourselves
Maybe it is all a dream
Maybe we will soon awaken
Maybe there is no mine
Maybe there is no yours
Maybe there is just ours
Maybe we know this
Maybe we just don't realize it
Maybe we soon will
Maybe...

Diarmuid Cronin

This will help us to resist the temptation to focus on material concerns at the expense of spiritual responsibilities.

Matthew 6:19-34.

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED

Yesterday I gave you GREAT TRUTHS THAT KIDS HAVE LEARNED.  Today I give you what adults have learned.  The lessons are different, of course, but I believe that age doesn't make that much difference--young or old, we are all God's children and we CHOOSE to be and see what we will, we choose to laugh at life or not.  I choose to laugh---most of the time.

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.


2) Wrinkles don't hurt.


3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.


4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.


5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.


6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the

toy.

Pass this on to someone who could use a laugh.



Always remember to forget the troubles that pass your way;


BUT NEVER forget the blessings that come each day.



Have a wonderful day with many *smiles.*

He will yet fill your mouth with laughter, and your lips with shouting.   
Job 8:21   

 
 

You Have Two Choices Today

Jerry is the kind of guy you love to hate. He is always in a good mood and always has something positive to say. When someone would ask him how he was doing, he would reply, "If I were any better, I would be twins!" He was a unique manager because he had several waiters who had followed him around from restaurant to restaurant.  

The reason the waiters followed Jerry was because of his attitude. He was a natural motivator. If an employee was having a bad day, Jerry was there telling the employee how to look on the positive side of the situation.

Seeing this style really made me curious, so one day I went up to Jerry and asked him, I don't get it! You can't be a positive person all of the time. How do you do it?" Jerry replied, "Each morning I wake up and say to myself, Jerry, you have two choices today. You can choose to be in a good mood or you can choose to be in a bad mood.

I choose to be in a good mood. Each time something bad happens, I can choose to be a victim or I can choose to learn from it. I choose to learn from it. Every time someone comes to me complaining, I can choose to accept their complaining or I can point out the positive side of life. I choose the positive side of life.

"Yeah, right, it's not that easy," I protested. "Yes, it is," Jerry said. "Life is all about choices. When you cut away all the junk, every situation is a choice. You choose how you react to situations. You choose how people will affect your mood. You choose to be in a good mood or bad mood. The bottom line: It's your choice how you live life."

I reflected on what Jerry said. Soon thereafter, I left the restaurant industry to start my own business. We lost touch, but I often thought about him when I made a choice about life instead of reacting to it.

Several years later, I heard that Jerry did something you are never supposed to do in a restaurant business: he left the back door open one morning and was held up at gun point by three armed robbers. While trying to open the safe, his hand, shaking from nervousness, slipped off the combination. The robbers panicked and shot him. Luckily, Jerry was found relatively quickly and rushed to the local trauma center. After 18 hours of surgery and weeks of intensive care, Jerry was released from the hospital with fragments of the bullets still in his body.

I saw Jerry about six months after the accident. When I asked him how he was, he replied, "If I were any better, I'd be twins. Wanna see my scars?" I declined to see his wounds, but did ask him what had gone through his mind as the robbery took place. “The first thing that went through my mind was that I should have locked the back door," Jerry replied. "Then, as I lay on the floor, I remembered that I had two choices: I could choose to live or I could choose to die. I chose to live."

"Weren't you scared? Did you lose consciousness?" I asked. Jerry continued, "...the paramedics were great. They kept telling me I was going to be fine. But when they wheeled me into the ER and I saw the expressions on the faces of the doctors and nurses, I got really scared. In their eyes, I read 'he's a dead man.'

I knew I needed to take action." " What did you do?" I asked. "Well, there was a big burly nurse shouting questions at me," said Jerry. "She asked if I was allergic to anything. 'Yes,' I replied. The doctors and nurses stopped working as they waited for my reply. I took a deep breath and yelled, 'Bullets!' Over their laughter, I told them, 'I am choosing to live. Operate on me as if I am alive, not dead.'"

Jerry lived thanks to the skill of his doctors, but also because of his amazing attitude. I learned from him that every day we have the choice to live fully. Attitude, after all, is everything.
Author Unknown

"For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord.  "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Jeremiah 29:11

Try Talking to a Teenager

Remember when your children couldn't talk to you enough?  From the time they are born, children are trying to communicate with you.  All the cooing and giggling, the chatter and the even the crying were their attempts to communicate with you, to tell you something.  Then they began to make words.  You were so excited when they spoke that first word.  You called your spouse.  You called the grandparents and aunts and uncles.  It was all so exciting!

Then they started putting words together.  They made sentences.  They didn't always make sense to us, but they did to them.  And they never stopped!  That's why parents invented the 'quiet game.'  You know, "Let's see who can be quiet the longest."  It never lasted very long at my house.  My son just could not be quiet.  From the time he was very young, he was verbal.  He was telling everyone exactly what he thought at three years old.  Gee, I wonder where he would have learned that?

The next step was school and they began to tell us how incorrectly we spoke.  Regardless of our own educations, we just didn't do it right.  Well, thank goodness we had our children to train us up correctly!

Then one day, your child was replaced with an alien!  They no longer could speak your language, and when they would show glimpses of remembering their verbal skills, you wished they hadn't.  Looking back you should have seen signs of the inhabiting of their bodies...new slang entered their vocabularies, the looks they gave you when you tried speaking to them...you recognize after the fact that there were clues you missed.  If only you'd recognized them at the time, perhaps you could have performed an exorcism or said extra prayers or something!  You never thought it could happen to your kid!  You were always able to talk to each other about anything!  What happened?

All of a sudden you're seen as the enemy.  They tell you you're judgmental and critical, you're interfering and 'lame' (whatever that means...I'm pretty sure it's not what my dad used to say about our horses).  And you know what?  We are all of the above.  But not because we're just trying to be a pain.  We want to be sure they're all right.  For the first time since they were put in your arms, you don't know what is happening with them or to them, and you just want to make certain that all is well.

It's been several years now, since my son and I began this teenage journey.  In fact, in a little over six months I will no longer have a teenager and I'm seeing signs that we may have forged our way through this minefield and may well be coming out in pretty good shape on the other side.  Here are some things I've learned (many of them the hard way) through experience and from the experts:

The direct approach probably won't work

If you try to ask direct questions of your son or daughter, you are probably going to face a brick wall.  For instance, I found that I didn't know some of my son's new friends' names.  When I asked who they were, I got a question back, "Why do you want to know?" or "What difference does it make?"  He ended up stalking off and I was left angry and with no answers. 

I learned to listen when he was talking to me and he would mention a name I didn't know.  I came to know who his friends were by accumulating all the pieces of information I could gather when he was telling me about his activities.  I understood that the long conversations we used to have were, at least for a while, not going to happen so I had to get my information in the little snippets he was willing to share.  I learned that I had to be ready and willing to listen when he was ready to talk.

Don't practice reflective listening

As a teacher, I had spent a big portion of my life reflecting back what students said to me.  This practice is used by teachers and counselors to effectively communicate with our students or clients.  It's a good skill to have in those fields of employment.  It's also a good tool to use with other adults, but it is NOT a good practice with your teenagers.  On more than one occasion when I tried this with my son, I heard, "Well, duh.  I think I just said that." 

Instead I learned to empathize with him.  When he would say something like, "I really suck at math, Mom."  I learned to commiserate with him and say something like, "I know, Honey.  It's really hard when you can't do something as well as you'd like to."  I also learned not to try to make him feel better.  When I would try to do that, it would very effectively close all communications before they even really started.  Just empathizing with him opened the channels of  communication much more effectively.

Their choices are not about you

This was probably the hardest lesson for me and I think it is for many parents.  For so many years, your child has been an appendage.  You dressed them up in the cute little clothes that you chose, they participated in the activities that you chose for them.  They tried their best to please you in everything they did.  And now, all of a sudden, they are making choices without you, and they're not the choices you think they should make!

You are no longer one entity, you have become two and you will disagree, probably a lot, until you remember that the choice was theirs to make.  If you try to judge or condemn their choice, you are forcing them to hide from you and when their choice turns out badly, as it will inevitably at times, you want to be able to help them learn from it.  If you have been critical or judgmental, you will have forfeited that opportunity.

In all things, remain calm

As a single parent, I've had many opportunities to 'lose it,' and I believe I've done it very well.  Even with all of my professional experience and expertise, I would find myself in a rant that sounded vaguely like one from my parents.  (How does that happen)?  "Why didn't you call?  Where were you?  How long would it have taken to send me a text (OK, that one was me, not my parents)?  I even discovered that you can rant through texting.  Who knew?

I was perfectly within my rights to be frustrated and frightened, but by approaching my son in this manner, I was only successful in closing any opportunity we might have had to talk through the situation.  When I was ranting, he felt accused.  That was not my intent.  He understood that I was concerned because I loved him and my ranting wasn't helpful in communicating anything to him, except the finger pointing in his direction (I believe that one came from my dad). 

I learned to, as calmly as possible, ask what had happened.  Many times I discovered that something totally out of his control had taken place.  Several times he was helping a friend.  But when I remained calm, we were able to discuss what had happened and plan for the next time (and there's always a next time).

For now, you are not your kid's friend

I don't care how great you were as buddies before, at this point in their lives they don't want you for a friend.  This is not to say that it won't happen again someday down the road, but for now they are trying to make the break with you.  They're trying to learn who they are, separate from you, and they have to do this all by themselves. 

They don't want you as their enemy either.  They don't like the continuous battles any more than you do.  They want and need their space and when we allow them these things, then the journey through this time will be a little easier.  This does not mean that you turn them loose and let them La Vida Loca.  You are the parent.  It's your job to set the boundaries and to enforce them when necessary.  This has always been your job.  Now, you do it a little differently. 

Parenting a teenager is one of the hardest things I've ever done in my life.  I understand why God intended each child to have two parents, but I've learned that you just do the best you can each day.  Tomorrow is a do-over.  Whatever mistakes you make today, and you will make some, you can do again tomorrow, hopefully better. 

Remember when they first came home with you and you were afraid that everything you did might 'break' them?  Well, they didn't break then, and they won't break now.  Probably the biggest thing I've learned to say to my son is, "I'm sorry."  When I am able to say this to him, he understands that I am not perfect, and he doesn't have to be either.  It tells him that we are human, that we will try again, and that we will be better.

There have been many times over the past few years when I wondered if we would ever get through these 'terrible teen' years.  I know that we're not done yet, but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.  And maybe it's like childbirth, at the time it was horrible, but once you're through it, it wasn't so bad after all.  You're both different than before you started, but hopefully, you're both better because of it.

I wish you all good luck and safe passage!   



Let's See---Stress or No Stress

I was just reading an excerpt from Stress is a Choice by David Zerfoss.  In it he states that sitting in church one Sunday, the minister spoke about life being made up of a series of choices.  That comment made him realize that his life, with all of the hectic schedules and activities, was a choice that he had made and was continuing to make.  He had chosen a life of stress.

Wow!  Why would anyone choose a life of stress?  Well, they wouldn't, if they really thought about it.  No one wants to live their life running from one thing to the other, not really.  No one wants to lay in bed at night, dwelling on this issue or that problem.  NO ONE!  But I would venture a guess that there are a majority of the people, in the United States in particular, who do just this.  Instead of laying down in their bed ready to relax and sleep peacefully, they've rushed all day long to accomplish all of the things they just must do, finishing  one last laundry load or work assignment, just before they fall into bed and finally they lay there thinking through tomorrow's schedule and all of the musts for the next day.  Then they complain because they couldn't get to sleep or they didn't sleep well. 

We act as if there is a big timepiece ticking away in our head and our life has become this big game of Beat the Clock.  We rush and rush from this to that, trying to do EVERYTHING and feeling as if we're accomplishing NOTHING.  We're less and less satisfied with our lives and find more and more people opting out of their jobs, their marriages, their entire families because they just don't feel fulfilled there.  If they could just find a new spouse, or a new job, or a new city in which to live, they would be so much happier!  But what they discover when they make those changes, is that the same issues that made them so unhappy in the old life, have just followed them to the new one.

Perhaps it wasn't the 'stuff' in the old life that was the problem.  It's just a thought, but maybe the problem was within themselves, in their choices.  We all know people who have spent the majority of their lives moving from one place or person or job to another and still can't seem to find the happiness they've looked so hard for.  No matter where they are or who they're with, there is still something missing. 

Some try to fill this void with things, like the one with the most 'stuff' at the end will win some big prize.  Some try to fill the void with travel and moving from place to place, again, as if the one who's done the most wins.  Some have spent their lives jumping from one job or career to the next, hoping that this will be the one that will finally fulfill that longing inside.

These "quick fixes" are similar to others that we may have tried:  alcohol, drugs, casual sex, overeating...you know their names.  They don't solve the problem, but they provide a temporary 'fix.'  The problem is, you need more and more of these to feel better.  What started as a beer or two, has become an entire evening of drinking with friends.  What began as a one night binge, has now become an extra hundred pounds.   It is not for lack of searching that these folks are lost. Perhaps it's because they're looking too hard.  Maybe the answer was right there, within them, all the time.

We either learn to slow down and examine our choices because we realize, one day, that we're spinning  our wheels but we've not gotten anywhere, or because our bodies force us to.  We have heart trouble or cancer appears or mentally we just can't cope anymore.  Take a look at the number of people using anti-anxiety medications today.  In one way or another, we know this isn't working and we must make some changes.  If we do not, we will 'work' ourselves to death, literally.

It's when we slow everything down, that we begin to see more clearly and to understand.  It's not the giant leaps that move us forward, it's all the little tiny baby steps that make progress.  When you slow down, you're able to see the choices that you have made and also the choices that you could have made.  Remember, what you focus on, you get more of, so when you're focused on the next big thing, you're missing all of the little things that could provide the joy and love you've been looking for. 

There is an older movie that I first watched shortly after my divorce.  Something to Talk About had two of my favorite actors, Julia Roberts and Dennis Quaid.  If you haven't seen it, they are a couple with a young daughter living life, doing all the things they are supposed to do.  Just a few minutes into the movie, Julia's character catches Dennis's character kissing another woman on the sidewalk in the town where they live.  She finds him later in a bar with a group of friends and this woman, and in her nightgown, makes a big scene for all to see.  She then moves home to her families' horse farm and begins an examination of not just their marriage, but her own life, and she discovers that they both have become everything they swore they would never be. 

It's a funny, thought-provoking movie that seemed very timely to me, given my circumstances.  It made me think of all the things my new husband and I had promised each other and it made me consider how we had gotten so far from those promises.  It is so easily done.  We are so quickly swept up in the current of the world to believe that there is something bigger and better out there, if we just keep looking, when, in reality, if we would just stop and take a look at what is right in front of us, generally, it's pretty darned good. 

Stress is a choice.  Certainly, life throws things at us that can cause us to be stressed.  They are unexpected and they hurt tremendously, but how we face them is a choice.  And that choice begins in the decisions we make each day.  Will we choose the next big thing, or will we slow things down and examine the possibilities? 

I waited quite a few years for my son.  Becoming pregnant was not to be for me and my husband and we decided to adopt, also a long process.  So when our son finally came home with us, I wanted to cherish every moment.  It was then that I began to re-examine all the things I thought I wanted and I began to change my priorities a little.  I loved my work but it had to take a back-seat to him.  I realized that my time with him was short-lived.  Before I knew it he would be gone from my home and I would have all the time in the world to continue my other work.  Now that he is almost at the second decade of his life, I am so happy that I chose to be with him and to share so much in his first years of life.  I have very few regrets about my choice to spend that time with him.  I have many friends who are not able to say that.  I'm not saying they made the wrong choice.  For them, at the time, it must have been the best choice, but as they look back they wonder and they are sad.

I was visiting with a friend yesterday.  For many weeks now, we have been preparing and waiting for the flood that we knew would come from the release of water in several reservoirs to the north.  Yesterday, her home was consumed by the waters.  Their farm is not there anymore.  She was, of course, sad at the loss of the place that had been in her family for many generations before her, but she also listed all the good things:  they had time to prepare, the wedding that was intended for this year had been moved up and was done last year, her family reunion (always held at the farm) had been moved earlier to several places that would be drier and safer.  Her list went on and on.  Instead of choosing to focus on what she had lost, she was choosing to find some good things.  She understood that it was and is a choice.

Whether or not you are stressed is up to you.  I have people tell me every day that they haven't any choices, but when they stop, even if it's only for a short time, they begin to see that, in reality, they had many, they were just moving to quickly to see them. 

What will your choice be?  Stress or no stress?  You get to decide.

Top 10 Things I Wish Someone Had Told Me Earlier

~ We've had bad luck with children; they've all grown up ~
Christopher Morley

As those of you who have been following me know, I have a nineteen year old son.  I am constantly amazed by how certain he is of EVERYTHING.  I had forgotten what it was like to be that age and so totally adept at deciding how the world should be and do.  As I was contemplating all of this the other night, it occurred to me that I wish someone had told me some things when I was that age. Not that I  would have listened, but...  Maybe it would have a changed some things for me....or maybe not.

Here's my top ten list:

1. Decide today to make as many mistakes as you can. - Don't become so afraid to make the wrong choice that you make no choice.  Every choice has an outcome and every outcome is a lesson learned.  Remember, Thomas Edison said he didn't fail 10,000 times.  He knew 10,000 ways NOT to make a light bulb.  No failures; only lessons learned.
2. Invest in yourself every day. - When you invest in yourself, you can never lose, and over time     you will change the trajectory of your life. You are simply the product of what you know. The more time, energy and money you spend acquiring pertinent knowledge, the more control you have over your life. 
3. Explore new ideas and opportunities often. – Your natural human fears of failure and embarrassment will sometimes stop you from trying new things. But you must rise above these fears, for your life’s story is simply the culmination many small, unique experiences. And the more unique experiences you have, the more interesting your story gets. So seek as many new life experiences as possible.
4. People are not mind readers. -  People will never know how you feel unless you tell them.    That cute girl you haven’t talked to because you’re too shy?  Why would she talk to you if you act like you don't have the time of day for her?   In life, you have to communicate with others. And often, you have to open your vocal cords and speak the first words. You have to tell people what you’re thinking. It’s as simple as that.
5. Make quick decisions and take measurable action. – Either you’re going to take action and seize opportunities, or someone else will first. You can’t change anything or make any sort of progress by sitting back and thinking about it. Remember, there’s a huge difference between knowing how to do something and actually doing it. Knowledge is basically useless without action.
6. Accept and embrace change. – However good or bad a situation is now, it will change. That’s the one thing you can count on. So embrace change, and realize that change happens for a reason.  It won’t always be easy or obvious at first, but in the end it will be worth it.
7. Don’t worry too much about what other people think about you. – For the most part, what other people think and say about you really doesn't matter.  When I was 18, I let the opinions of my high school and early college peers influence my decisions. And, at times, they steered me away from ideas and goals I strongly believed in. I realize now, many years later, that this was a foolish way to live, especially when I consider that nearly all of these people whose opinions I cared so much about are no longer a part of my life. Unless you’re trying to make a great first impression (job interview, first date, etc.), don’t let the opinions of others stand in your way. What they think and say about you isn’t important. What is important is how you feel about yourself.
8. Ask lots of questions. – The greatest ‘adventure’ is the ability to inquire, to ask questions. Sometimes in the process of inquiry, the search is more significant than the answers. Answers come from other people, from the universe of knowledge and history, and from the intuition and deep wisdom inside yourself. These answers will never surface if you never ask the right questions. Thus, the simple act of asking the right questions is the answer.
9. Always be honest with yourself and others. – Living a life of honesty creates peace of mind, and peace of mind is priceless. Period.   And lastly...
10. Be who you were born to be. – You must follow your heart, and be who you were born to be.    Some of us were born to be musicians – to communicate intricate thoughts and rousing feelings   with  the strings of a guitar. Some of us were born to be poets – to touch people’s hearts with exquisite prose. Some of us were born to be entrepreneurs – to create growth and opportunity where others saw rubbish. And still, some of us were born to be or do whatever it is, specifically, that moves you. Regardless of what you decide to do in your lifetime, you better feel it in every fiber of your being. You better be born to do it! Don’t waste your life fulfilling someone else’s dreams and desires.

But above all, laugh when you can, apologize when you should, and let go of what you can’t change. Life is short, yet amazing. Enjoy the ride!

The Seven Powers for Self Control

 

Lesson 5:  The Power of Love

See the best in each other.

The Beatles sang "All You Need is Love."  Thomas Carlyle said, “A loving heart is the beginning of all knowledge.”  Samuel Taylor Coleridge said, “All men, even the most surly are influenced by affection.”

When you Google quotations about love you get 173,000,000 hits.  It seems that everyone has something to say about love.  The kind of love we’re talking about here is the kind of love you have for yourself, first, and then the love you have for those around you.  It may be your spouse, it may be your children, maybe it’s your co-workers or your teammates.  All of these people require you to love yourself, so that you can love them. 

Why would it be necessary to love yourself before you can love anybody else?  Well, it’s really simple.  If you can’t love yourself, care about yourself, how can you know how to love and care for anyone else?  It’s impossible.  Love comes from within you.  It is a respect you have for yourself, because you know that you are valuable and worthy of it.  If you don’t have this knowledge, then you can attempt to love others, but it will be a selfish kind of love, more about you than it is about them.  You will fail in loving others when you have no internal foundation upon which to build their love.

We have to find a way to see the best in ourselves.  This means, as in Lesson 4, that we have to take a look at ourselves and determine what there is to love.  We all have good things and bad things about us.  There will be those things that you are really proud of.  You ‘love’ those things about yourself.  Make a list and post it somewhere.  The truth is we all spend more time dwelling on those things we don’t like, than the ones we do.  Certainly, we need to address those negative things and work to make them things that are now positive, but there are those things, even if it’s a very short list, that we at least ‘like’ about ourselves a little bit.  Remember, what you focus on you get more of (Lesson3) so focus on the good stuff and you’ll get more. 

Faith makes all things possible.  Love makes them easy.  No one knows who said this but it is true.  When you love yourself, it becomes a simple task to love those around you and when you love those around you, you are able to see the best in each other.  This isn’t something that just happens, however.  It is a commitment to look for the good.  As we’ve talked about in the other four lessons, it is always easy to focus on the bad things, especially in others.  It is easy to decide that they are the ones who need to change.  Finding others’ faults is relatively simple.  Finding the best in each other could take some practice.

I had a student in public school, fourth grade, who was a perfectionist.  If he didn’t get one-hundred percent on his papers he was determined that he had failed.  It was a problem we worked on for quite a while before he had a total melt-down one day over a math paper.  It was the first homework assignment on long division and he had missed just one.  Because he had done so well, I wrote a great big GOOD at the top of his paper with my signature smiley face embedded in it.  As I handed out the papers the next day, he brought his paper to me with tears in his eyes to ask me why I would put this mark on his paper when it, obviously, was not ‘good.’  I tried in every way I knew how to help him see that missing one problem, on something so new to him, to all of them, was a very good thing, but he absolutely refused to see it.  He had missed one, therefore it was bad.

When I talked with his parents about my concerns over his perfectionism, they shared their concerns as well, but as we talked it became apparent that his father also shared this perfectionistic tendency.  In fact, his first question to the boy was why he had missed that one and gotten all the others correct.  It was not a question intended to teach.  It was a question intended to belittle; “If you could get all the others right, why not this one?”  I learned very quickly that there were lessons here for the father as well as the son, and if I couldn’t help the father, I probably wouldn’t be able to help the boy either.  I have no doubt that the father never came right out and told the boy that his work must be perfect, but he said it in so many other ways  that the boy had very clearly heard and taken to heart. 

As with most of my students, I don’t know what happened with this one.  I hope that there was some easing of his burden after he left my room for the next grade.  I’m certain that he was very successful in whatever field he chose.  I hope that it was his choice, whatever it was, and I hope that he is happy with the work that he does.  As for the father, I doubt that I made much difference in his thinking.  He may have been a little less quick to voice his ‘concerns’ at least in front of me, but I am certain that he still holds the highest expectations for himself and his children. 

Expectations are not a bad thing.   In fact, I have been quoted as saying,  “Children will live up or down to our expectations.”  If we set them too high, then they become unattainable as with this young man and his father; no one is perfect.  If we set them too low, then we tell them that we don’t believe they are capable of anything too difficult and they learn to not even try.  It is a fine line that we walk in setting our expectations reasonably, knowing the abilities of our children, or our spouse, or our co-workers, and then expecting that they will live up to what we believe them to be capable. 

I have also had parents who were so afraid of letting their children fail that they ‘helped’ them with each and every assignment.  You know their work when it comes in, obviously not that of a ten year old, alone.  My son always complained at the Pinewood Derby  in Cub Scouts because we helped him with his car when it came to using the power tools but the rest of the work was all his.  Inevitably, on race day, a lot of the other boys would come with their cars that had obviously had a lot more ‘help’ than our son’s.  It was always a great day, when his car defeated some of those other cars.  We had told him that we believed him to be capable and he was.  We expected to see the best in him, and we did.

It comes down, as always, to choices.  We will see what we choose to see.  We will find what we choose to find.  Choose to see the best in each other, but choose to see the best in yourself first!

The Seven Powers for Self Control

Lesson 3:  The Power of Attention

What you focus on you get more of.

This is a hard concept to understand well.  After all, we are taught in this society, that if we focus and work hard for something, we can make it happen.  Our understanding of this is simply that if we want something we just work for it and if we work hard enough, it will happen.   The part that very few seem to understand is that it also works in reverse.  When we focus on bad stuff, we get more bad stuff.  It’s as simple as that.

Whether you think you can or can't, either way you are right.

Henry Ford

We all know people who tend to focus on the bad stuff; their glass is always half empty.  I met a woman recently who was this way.  When I remarked at how glad I was that the fog had burned off and the sun had come out, she responded that there was no way the day would be good when it had gotten off to that kind of nasty start.  When I answered her in return that it had to get better from there, her retort was that there was just no way it possibly could be.  I tried one more time, “I hope that you have only good things from here on out today.”  Her response, “Well, there’s just no way; I don’t think that will happen.”  I found myself anxiously trying to move away from her.  I was very happy, after driving in extremely dense fog for four hours, to see the sun and know that I was safe in my destination.  I’m not sure that this woman would ever feel safe.  Maybe she had some devastating news to start her day, I don’t know, but I do know just being with her made me feel bad and she didn’t want it to change.

What a miserable way to live your life!  Remember the Charlie Brown character, Pigpen?  He was always surrounded with a cloud of dirt.  So is this woman, but her ‘dirt’ is of her own making.  She is choosing to focus on the negative things in her life.  And what you focus on you get more of.  Like attracts like, so if you choose to focus all day on the fact that you woke up late so everything will be wrong today, it will.  It’s just as easy to switch your focus to include, “Well, it’s got to be better from here on out.”  It’s a fifty/fifty chance either way, but if you predetermine what will happen by your attitude, there is NO chance of a good day. 

 This is especially true when you are working with children.  I have seen time after time when a teacher or parent is focusing on what they don’t want a child to do, they get exactly that.  Why?  Because they’ve already laid the groundwork for that outcome.  There was a little boy, preschool age, several years ago who loved coming to school.  This was his first educational experience and he was excited about it.  Now, sitting still and listening were not habits he had learned, at all, yet, so his teacher, who had limited experience in a setting such as this, was not comfortable with his behaviors and how to ‘control’ him.  Her form of ‘positive discipline’ was to seat him beside her at all times.  If she moved around the room, she held his wrist and made him follow her.  At the end of the class time, she would meet the parents, sometimes waiting in the street for them, to share the issues of the day.  And there always were issues.  It got so bad, that the parent would greet the child with, “Well, what did you screw up today?”  It’s no wonder this little guy got to the point that he hated school.  He was never allowed to be successful.  They were all set for him to do wrong and he did.  Who wouldn’t under those circumstances?  What they focused on, they got more of.  

Hold a picture of yourself long and steadily enough in your mind's eye, and you will be drawn toward it.

Napoleon Hill

No doubt this young man needed to learn how to be a good listener and how to remain focused in his new environment, but my great fear is that the pattern for his education was set in this first experience and that the rest of his educational life will be colored by the beginning.  I know that his next two years were not much better so the chances of him finding school enjoyable and being successful are probably pretty slim.  You know how teachers love to ‘share’ in the faculty lounge and the word has gotten around that this young man is a problem…therefore, he probably will be.

Why is it that we human beings seem to prefer to focus on the bad things rather than the good ones?  I believe that we have been programmed by very well-meaning people who were trying to protect themselves and us.  The idea that if you don’t set your sights too high then you won’t be hurt, seems to pervade our society, when just the opposite is just as true.  We may well face heartbreaks and failures in anything that we try to do, especially if it is new to us, and if we let those failures stop us from trying again, then we have chosen to limit our future.  It didn’t just happen to us, it happened because of us.  What do you think the chances are for this young man to believe in himself; to find any self-worth there?  While his parents love him immensely, they, as well as the educators, have told him repeatedly that he really isn’t capable of being successful.  He is destined to “screw up.”

I would hope that this young man will happen along someone in his life who will break the pattern and tell this young man just how lovable and capable he really is.  I hope that they look beyond the behaviors that, by now, I’m sure are very much habit, and see the young man who has a remarkable intelligence and sense of humor.  His creativity knows no bounds and when he is challenged, he is more than capable of following the rules and enjoying learning.  I know because I had the young man in summer camp-an educational, creative setting for the summer.  I found him to be a challenge to my teaching skills, merely to stay ahead of him.  He pushed me to my limits in keeping him challenged and occupied.   The difference was, I expected him to do well…and he did.  I greeted his parents with the good things he had done throughout the day.  Unfortunately, this experience only lasted the summer and then he went back to school where the teacher were “ready for him.”

 It’s just as easy to find good things.  Sometimes, for a young man with the history that this one has, you have to look hard at first, but there are positives and the more you focus on the positives, the more you will find.  The more success he had, the more success came.  Parents, child, and teacher focused on the good stuff, not the bad.  It was a choice we all made.  It’s a choice you can make. 



I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

Thomas Edison

The Seven Powers for Self Control

Lesson 2:  The Power of Unity

We are all in this together.

 Why is it that we all forget this?  We become so wrapped up in our own lives, in our own lessons, that we forget the others who are right there with us.  There is a lot of research that has been done about the link that we all share, whether we acknowledge it or not.  Scientists have looked at how we are formed and have determined that we all come from the same place in the same way.  Our bodies are made of the same materials: carbon, hydrogen, etc.  While we hold our unique, individual DNA, human DNA stands apart from plant DNA and animal DNA.  We are all connected because at the most basic of levels, we are the same.

Take a look at what happened in the United States after September 11, 2001.  Everyone forgot the idea that we were separate individuals and became one entity.  We supported each other, we supported our government, we supported our country.  We were one.  As each year has passed, we have moved back to our individuality, our separateness.  “Every man (or woman) for themselves” seems to be the popular motto.  We have forgotten, again, that we need each other, we are each other.  Our similarities outweigh our differences.

Gettin' good players is easy. Gettin' 'em to play together is the hard part.

Casey Stengel

Why is it that we need these horrific reminders to bring us together?  Isn’t there an easier way?  As with all of the Seven Powers, I believe it is a choice that we make; that we must make every day.  This choice is about remembering that we are not responsible to carry the world on our shoulders.  Remember, God made Adam first and when Adam showed his longing for someone, He created Eve so that they could share the load.  We are intended to share everything.

We live in a world of competition-get it before someone else does.  There is a better way.  We are better than that.  That philosophy may have been necessary at one time in our evolution but it is not necessary today.  Imagine what would happen if we could find a way to cooperate with each other, instead of competing.  As leaders in our communities and in our families, we must show our younger ones what it is to collaborate, to work together.  How else will they learn, if not from us? 

The family is the heart and soul of the community.  Each member of the family must be accepted; they must feel that they are a part of something bigger than themselves.  They must feel worthy of that position.  To feel worthy, every member of the family must feel safe.  They need to know that their feelings and opinions will be heard and appreciated.  They must be allowed to participate in family discussions, particularly on issues that relate to them.  Unfortunately, their ‘vote’ doesn’t carry the same weight that the adult’s do, simply because the parents are the adults.  With more life experiences and maturity, their ‘vote’ must carry more weight, but that does not change the fact that each family member should have the opportunity to share their feelings, their hopes, their dreams, their opinions.  They must feel like they matter.

Valuable skills are taught within the family that will be used in the community.  Appropriate communication techniques are demonstrated by the parents.  When inappropriate techniques are used, the family takes the opportunity to re-train each other; a do-over.  Parents work with their children to work toward fully understanding the lessons that are being shared.  It is understood that “do as I say, not as I do” is not the method best used to teach.  Children learn much more from watching what parents do, so parents use that method-always mindful that little ones are watching.  Every family member has their responsibilities.  They understand that they are a valuable member of the team.  Without them, the team could not function properly.  Everyone must carry their load or the team will falter.   Family rules are clear and have been fully explained and shared.  Rules pertain to safety issues and the family members understand them. 

Effective teamwork is all about making a good, well-balanced salad not whipping individuals into a single batch of V8.

Sandra Richardson, OD Consultant

Routines are very important to families.  There is a safety that comes from knowing and understanding what to expect.  Children, especially, need to know ‘normalcy.’  There is a safety and security that comes with knowing what will happen next.  If we don’t create these routines for them, children will create them for themselves and they may not be healthy ones.  Routines and rituals are centering.  They create a soothing effect on the lower centers of the brain, where life exists.  Until these needs are met, no higher learning is possible.  Children need to be able to come to count on a specific thing happening at a specific time in a specific way.  I always said, “Sleep tight” to my son at the door to his bedroom before turning out the light.  His response was always, “Don’t let the bedbugs bite.”  It was our routine, it was expected.  Even if I was out of town, I called at bedtime and this was our closing to each other.  It was normal.  This builds trust between you and your children.  This is the most powerful gift that you can give them.    Without guidance there is no discipline, Becky Bailey says in her book, Conscious Discipline.  These routines are important in the home, they’re important in the school or childcare, they’re important in the community.

The ratio of We's to I's is the best indicator of the development of a team.

Lewis B. Ergen

Ask yourself, “Who am I?”  This does not mean making a list of everything you are able to do or all the things you are a part of.  We understand who we are based on all of the experiences we have had in our lives and our beliefs about those experiences.  Our thoughts and feelings affect other’s thoughts and feelings.  It is undeniable.  Self-esteem is not earned through accomplishments, it is created each moment in how we “see” other people.  A friend told me many years ago, we will always find in others what we dislike about ourselves.  Seeing the best in others creates worthiness within ourselves.  We are connected to others. 

We are all unique, not special.  To say that we are special implies that we are “better” somehow.  That simply is not the case.  That we are unique is true.   That individual has had unique life experiences.  No one in the world is exactly like us.  When we each, in our uniqueness, reach out to others in need, it builds self-worth.  We feel valuable and worthy.  We know that we have our unique place in the world. 

When we have our place, when we know that we are unique, we then understand the value of being together as a team.  We share the load with one another and we know that each of us has our unique role to play in our family and in our community.  We are all “better” because we are all one.

TEAM = Together Everyone Achieves More

Happiness Is....Love

When I was a kiddo, there was a musical entitled, "You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown."  This play was based on the cartoon character created by Charles Schulz and included all the cast of characters from the Peanuts gang.  I loved all of the songs but the one that still runs through my head every time I hear someone say happiness is, is this one. 

Now in this song happiness is:

• Finding a pencil
• Pizza with sausage
• Telling the time
• Learning to whistle
• Tying your shoe for the very first time
• Playing the drum in your own school band
• Walking hand in hand
• Two kinds of ice cream
• Knowing a secret
• Climbing a tree
• Five different crayons
• Catching a firefly and setting him free
• Being alone every now and then
• Coming home again
• Morning and evening, daytime and nighttime
• Having a sister
• Sharing a sandwich
• Getting along
• Singing together and those who sing with you

The song finishes with "For happiness is anyone and anything at all, that's loved by you." 

I think I love this song because it makes the world so simple.  Remember when you were younger and loving really was a simple thing?  You loved your parents and your grandparents.  Sometimes you loved your brothers and sisters (OK, you always loved them but you didn't always like them).  You loved ice cream.  We each had our own lists of the things we loved.  It was simple.  It was easy.


And then we grew up and love became a very complicated thing.  We discovered that when we love we open ourselves up for hurt and sometimes the hurts were so bad that we determined to never love again, or we'd only love a little bit.  I haven't figured out how to do that yet.  It seems that when I love, whether it's my son, or my family, or my friends, or even my dog,  I love with all of my heart.  And yes, I do get hurt sometimes. 

But isn't that what life is about?  Whether we decide to risk or not is a choice.  Whether we love or not is a choice.  I get so irritated with people who say they've "fallen OUT of love."  Didn't they choose to fall IN love?  Love isn't a feeling.  There are feelings that come with love, but love is a choice that you make.  It's action that you take. You decide to love someone, and if you are fortunate enough to have chosen a mate for life, you choose each day to treat them with love or not.

Love is a noun, yes, but love is also a verb.  It shows action, it's not meant to be a passive feeling that comes and goes.  It's supposed to be what you do.  When you love someone you choose to do kind things for them, you choose to say nice things to them and about them, you choose to love them.  There are days when it is more difficult to do this, but it is still a choice that you make and you make it knowing that, yes, today is a bad day, but tomorrow will be better and I will love you all days.

Think about it.  When you first met your partner, you decided during the first date whether or not you liked certain things about them:  the way they dressed, the way they talked, the way they treated you.  Based on that first date, you made a choice for a second date, and then a third date, until the day you decided to spend the rest of your life together.  You made a lot of choices for love. 

I am amazed to hear people already talking about Will and Cate and whether or not their marriage will last.  This comes, of course, from history and the feeling of disappointment that we all shared when his parent's fairy tale marriage ended.  Will these two young people who live in the spotlight of the world be able to manage all of life and stay together?  They've only been married two days and already people are asking the question.

You see, I believe that whether we love or not is our choice.  I love many people.  I do my best to love everyone although I'm not always successful at it.  There are just some people who, it seems to me, make it very difficult to love them.  Try as you might, they don't want to be loved and as much as I'd like to say, "Fine, have it your way!" I don't.  I can't.  Because if I do, then I'm giving up...on them, on living, and on myself. 

For if we don't have love, then what good can anything else be?  Love is all the good stuff and I would much rather surround myself with the good stuff than all the rest.  Love really is as simple as Charlie Brown and the Peanuts characters make it.  It's choosing everyday to find something good in everyone and everything.  It's seeing the glass as half full rather than half empty.  I think this is the biggest reason I love working with children.  They haven't yet learned that there even is a half empty glass.  To them all the world is half full.  They relish every experience.  They can hardly get to sleep because the day has been so great and they know that tomorrow will be just as great or better. 
Because, Happiness is anyone and anything at all...that's loved by you!  It's your choice.

What a wonderful life I've had! I only wish I'd realized it sooner. ~Colette